19 Total Solitude day

Walking alone. Eating alone. Having an albergue all to myself alone. Finally have some time to reflect my emotion. Thank for the writer Paul Yoon who gave me a tremendous recounting of his short stories published on New Yorker podcast titled in “Valley to the Moon”. It fits with the landscape and the loneliness that I need to have. And yes, his voice and pace to tell his story is both tender and sexy.

When I had my second cigarettes for the day, I lied on this bench with some many people eating, chatting and laughing at the bar. Suddenly, I think of myself always spending so much time and effort taking care of other people’s feelings instead of mine. And I get angry sometime to myself, for being a person that not firm enough to defend myself and have opinions of my own. I figue out perhaps I’m that kind of person meant to have only a few of close friends in my whole life time. Others for me will always be a stress on my shoulders. Even loving someone, sometime make me feel so lonely and sad.

I love to be a wallflower in a party, and a lone person living among the crowd. Like a cat staring out the window. That makes me feel both less lonely and true to myself.

I guess I have these bruises in me along all the way all these 4 years that might never heal, but it did disappear sometime whenever I have a moment of peacefulness. Like having a big chocolate cake all to myself or a silent cigarette under the plein and warm sunshine.

I kept thinking how my mother once dreamed to become writer but become a banker in the end. I guess I just to afraid to end up like that. However, I feel I’m walking the same route inevitably as she did.

I keep having “No surprises” by Radiohead playing in my mind for the whole afternoon. I guess it resonates with all the feelings I had for the past several months.

(Fillobal — barbedelo)